Dang You Pikachu
by Dukes alter ego
Summary: The title says it all. If you know you won't like it, don't read it. this is only for those with a sense of humour.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer. I do not on Pokemon or any relation to it.  
  
WELCOME TO: DAMN YOU PIKACHU!! The place where you come to see how I react to poke mon. Flames are widely accepted.  
  
I was taking a casual walk through the wood until what do I see?  
  
A bush started shaking and a pikachu jumped out at me. (Ok, enough with the rhymes)  
  
I was in disbelief. I thought pokemon was just a game and a lame ass TV show. All of a sudden it said "pikachu," in a gay voice that I can't stand. Out of my magical pocket I pull out a 20 lb sledgehammer. I take a mighty blow towards it but he was too fast. Now, I dug deep into my pockets. I pulled out a net and swiped up pikachu. The little yellow critter electrocuted me so I knocked it out by punching it in the face.  
  
"Damn you Pikachu!" I once again reach into my magic pockets and pull out three items. A blender, a bucket of acid, and a cage with a cannibalistic pikachu inside. Now which to use. The decision was hard. Finally I decided on all three. I put the picachu in the blender and add acid to make a pikachu smoothie. Then I feed it to the cannibalistic pikachu and it killed the pikachu cause I hate that damn voice!  
  
Then a turtle popped out of a near by pond. I like turtles. But then this one said "Squirtle!" in an even gayer voice than pikachu. I pick up my sledgehammer and crush the stupid turtles shell. I then whip out a 40 inch sword from my magic pocket and chop the turtles flesh into perfect cubes. Now what was I supposed to do with this mess? Well I whip out a long fishing pole from my magic pocket and use turtle chunks to bait my hook.  
  
Suddenly I get a bite. I real it in and got what appears to be an oversized gold fish. As I'm studying this creature it too speaks in yet another gay voice. This one said "Goldeen," in a deep, echoing voice. I whip out a spear from my pocket and put it through the fish. I cooked it on an open fire as it was still barely alive. After a while I take a big bite and say, "Damn you pikachu!!! You're pokemon buddy tastes incredibly bad!!!"  
  
Stay tuned until next time when I unleash more insanity into the world of pokemon. 


	2. begginers instruction

Welcome to the second installment of "Damn you pikachu." You may have been discouraged by the senseless killing of innocent pokemon. This senselessness is gonnna be stopped now. So, I will teach you the appropriate way to kill a pikachu in this chapter. No more reckless killing. Just appropriate procedures.  
  
Okay, I am your instructor, Duke. If you are a begging Pokemon killer you must have just recently recieved your "magic pocket" attachment. You have previously seen the ability of this object in the previous chapter.  
  
Now, a begginer gets only three things in his magic pocket, a net, a sledge hammer, and an official pokemon knife. (notice the magic pocket makes it feel like your carrying nothing) More weapons will be available for a price after you recieve certain pokemon killing badges.  
  
Now, I shall show you to kill with your begging set. pulls out crate of pikachus out of pocket Remember, You have to find pokemon in the wild to kill. Now, with your net scoop up a pokemon like so (slips pikachu up in net). Now, you have three things you can do. First, you can beat it to death (stomps pikachu to death). That is too easy. Next, for a quick and small pokemon like a rattata. (pulls out another pikachu) You might want to pin it down with your knife so it won't get loose. (stabs pikachu) Now you can stab it to death. Finally, for solid pokemon like a geodude or a squirtle, you want to trap it in your net and deliver a powerful blow. (Does that with a pikachu)  
  
And there you have it. I will bring you more updates when you earn more pokemon death badges. 


	3. the adventure begins

I'm back to bring more havoc on the world of Pokemon. Today we will begin the adventure of a new Pokemon killer named Dylan Kill'em. His adventure begins at his hometown of Bellevue...  
  
  
  
"Dylan! Get your ass up! You have to go see Professor Duke and your already 10 minutes late." Dylan's mom screamed at him for the 7th time.  
  
"I'm already up," Dylan muttered into his pillow.  
  
"You said that 5 times already so get your ass up!"  
  
Dylan sat up in his bed and scratched himself for a while until his mom started yelling from downstairs. He took fifteen more minutes to take a shower and put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.  
  
He walked downstairs and was immediately struck across the back of his head. "Mom, I'm up already."  
  
"You're a half an hour late and I have to be tough cause your dad is a real pussy."  
  
Dylan looked into the living room to see his dad watching tv and eating chips. Outside Dylan looked at his surroundings. Palm trees lined his side of the street and the opposite side of the street was lined with pine trees. He walked down the street into Prof. Duke's lab.  
  
Loud music was shaking the entire building. There was about 6 men in there laughing for some reason and wailing out a whole bunch of comments which made no sense at all. One man was hitting a bong, another was making out with two women and the other three were completely drunk and talking about dumb stuff.  
  
One of the drunk men walked up and put his hand on Dylan's shoulder. Dylan recognized him as Professor Duke. "Well, where ya been?" He took a long drink of a champagne bottle. "Well let me introduce ya 'round. The man with the bong, he's Brian, a gym leader from far away. You eventually will have to meet his challenges to win his badge. The man with the women, he is also a gym leader. He is known as Rohlffy. He is even farther away with Brian and you can obviously see his challenge. All challenges have to do with distractions and he is one of the hardest to conquer. Those two men over there are also gym leaders but I don't really know who they are cause I am so wasted I couldn't remember if I wanted to. Finally, that boy about your age is about your age and is gonna be leaving on an adventure like you to kill pokemon. His name is Logan. Join in the new poke-killer celebration."  
  
Dylan smiled as he picked up a half empty champagne bottle. Duke's watch started beeping. "Well, party over. The young pokemon killers have to leave now." Duke took the bottle away from Dylan before Dylan got a single drop. "Have fun," he said as he herded everyone out of the door.  
  
"Damn it!!" Dylan yelled out loud. "I wanted to be in that damn party."  
  
"Ha ha loser." Logan said as he ran off through the woods towards the east.  
  
Dylan checked his magic pocket to make sure he had his sledge hammer, net, and official poke-knife. Once he was done he ran in the same direction as Logan did. "Dylan, hold up!" Dylan turned around to see the drunk Professor Duke stumbling all over himself to catch up. "I forgot to give you 50 death coins for your journey. This is how you buy new weapons for your magic pocket. Many other killers are willing to gamble so when you get good you can win more points off of other killers. I heard the nearest gym gives you 200 death coins for passing the challenge. Keep heading along this trail to get there. Duke walked away as he was drinking from a 16oz flask in large gulps. 


	4. Team Rapist

Well, if you're sick of me too bad! I am just having fun and you can just flame me or enjoy the comedy. Beware that this story has mild sexual content so...none of you young little turds should be reading this.  
  
Dylan made his way along the dirt trail talking to an imaginary friend of his that happens to be a little devil that enjoys singing. This is an odd trait he has that almost jeopardized his chances of becoming a pokemon killer. No one is yet sure how he passed the psychology test.  
  
There was a rustle in the bushes near by and Dylan's friend disappeared. Out of a bush came a Meowth walking on its hind legs and rubbing it's ass and looked incredibly depressed. "Man my ass hurts," the Meowth spoke.  
  
"Holy shit!" Dylan stared in amazement. "A talking Meowth? You're seriously gonna die."  
  
"Don't touch that pokemon," A mysterious voice ordered. From the same area where the Meowth came from two boys, slightly older than Dylan, appeared. They were both wearing black shirts with an "R" written on.  
  
"Who are you?" Dylan asked.  
  
He instantly regretted that question. The two boys broke out in a rhyme...  
  
"To prevent all pokemon from daily pleasures..."  
  
"To hump all pokemon into a fit of seizures..."  
  
"To denounce the evils of condoms and toys..."  
  
"To spread our tradition to the youngest of boys..."  
  
"Jimmy,"  
  
"Jake,"  
  
"Team Rapist jacks off at the speed of light,"  
  
"Surrender now or get cum in your sight."  
  
(The meowth appeared in between the two looking depressed due to the fact of the common molestation to him) "Meowth...that...is...right."  
  
"Let me get this right. You two go around raping pokemon and celebrate about it?" Dylan stared at the two in disgust.  
  
"Well, we also video tape 'em and if we get any rare pokemon we send them to our boss and he'll gives a great reward." A small hot air balloon appeared behind them and they got in. Dylan had gotten sick of these two and threw his poke-knife into the balloon causing jet propulsion and sending the nasty trio away.  
  
"You should've killed ya know." The little devil returned to Dylan's side.  
  
"I went for the big target cause my aim isn't too great."  
  
"Oh well," the little critter smirked. "It's not like we'll ever see them again.....right?"  
  
After a few more minutes of walking the two arrived at Tinterra town. It was small and Dylan figured it was lame except for the fact that there apparently was some sort of roast going on because of all the edible pokemon in the area were being roasted over an open fire.  
  
His little devil friend disappeared again when it noticed someone coming their way. It was once again Logan and he had already gotten drunk at the festival. "He man, join in. It's the annual poke roast. Roasted Pidgey, flame broiled Tauros burgers, and all the alcohol you can drink and it's all free for official pokemon killers or pokemon killing trainees like us." Logan hiccupped and walked away.  
  
Dylan immediately walked up to the drink vender and asked for a six-pack of beer.  
  
"Sure kid, just show me your Killing Permit and it's all yours."  
  
Dylan searched his pockets and couldn't find it. He checked his wallet and it wasn't there. It wasn't even deep within his magic pocket. "Uh sir, I seem to have left it in the woods, but I'll gladly show it to you when I get a replacement."  
  
"No ID, No booze." The vender turned away and talked to a different customer.  
  
"Damn it!" Dylan yelled out loud. He then saw his permit. It was in the hands of his little imaginary devil friend who had stolen it when Dylan wasn't looking. "Oh, you little bitch." He lunged around after the little pest, as the devil kept moving very quickly in sharp zigzags. Everyone stared at the young man who was chasing after the invisible creature and yelling out insults and offensive comments. Dylan gave up after an hour of chasing the little bastard around.  
  
Dylan decided to check out the city gym but realized that it was closed due to the festival. He sat down and watched everyone have a good time at the festival. When it reached late in the night everyone had left and the festival ended. The little devil appeared on Dylan's shoulder and dropped the Permit into his lap. Dylan tried to grab it and strangle it but it was no use and he eventually gave up. "I guess I'll have to win a badge tomorrow to earn a little respect." 


	5. the hot lady

A reviewer asked me "why waste your time writing about what you hate?" Well, I find that writing a bashing fanfic is a lot more fun than writing a serious fic about something I do like (with the exception of the coming of the past...a well received Parasite Eve fic). That reviewer was a dumbass for asking such a question On with "Damn you Pikachu" \  
  
"Oh yeah, keep it moving. Those clothes have to be uncomfortable. Oh, there they go onto the floor. Loving it. Hey, there's a guy in there. I wonder what he'll...yup, there goes his clothes. Damn, he puts me to shame. Damn that woman his hot." Dylan had made his way onto a rooftop and was staring into an accidently open window. It must've been three o'clock in the morning.  
  
"Whatta ay lookin' at?" His little devil friend questioned. He followed Dylan's gaze.  
  
"Whoa Momma! I could bang her six ways to Sunday." The little devil plopped down in a fit of masturbation.  
  
"Dude, not in front of me." Dylan looked away in disgust.  
  
"What's the matter? It's not like you were planning to do something else." Dylan took a swing at the creature and since the creature was busy it didn't have time to dodge. The creature fell off of the roof and hit the ground. "Ow," the devil moaned. "I landed on my boner. I think it's broken."  
  
The couple through the window closed the blinds and Dylan got bored. He laid down and went to sleep.  
  
  
  
He woke up with a flock of pidgeys on top of him. He screamed at them and they fluttered away. He moaned when he noticed all the bird droppings all over him. He got up and changed his clothes. He began walking towards the gym and, forgetting he was on a roof, plummeted down and injured his shoulder. "Oh this is just dandy." He got up and brushed himself off.  
  
He arrived at the gym and read a sign. It read: weather distraction gym. Gym Leader: Mystic. He reached for the doorknob but the door flew open and hit Dylan in the nose, sending him back onto the ground.  
  
"Oh sorry," Logan appeared in the door. "Oh, I mean...ha ha ha ha ha." Logan shook his head and water flew everywhere.  
  
"You son of a bitch." Dylan got up and faced him.  
  
"Hey, getting the badge is easy cause the weather simulator is old. The real distraction is the hot chic who runs this place." At this he walked off into the distance.  
  
Dylan entered the building. A panel on the ceiling simulated a dark sky streaked in lightning and the room was erupting in thunder. Mystic appeared in front of him. "You have 5 minutes to kill this Primeape.  
  
Dylan stared at Mystic as she walked away. She was the same girl from a night before. Sprinklers above began simulating rain. The Primeape took advantage of this opportunity and decked him in the face. Dylan decided to get out his net to start. The Primeape charged again. He easily scooped it up in the net. "This is too easy." He set the net down as the Primeape squirmed in it. Dylan pulled the sledgehammer out of the magic pocket and raised it above his head.  
  
Lightning bolted down and hit the metal Sledge Hammer. Dylan was struck down. "Why did I have to get the aluminum handled version." He slowly got up and found himself looking into the enraged eyes of the beast he was to kill. It began punching Dylan furiously in the face. Dylan got out his knife and stabbed the pokemon in its abdomen. The creature fell and Dylan finished it off by repeatedly body slamming it. It took him 3 minutes, 37 seconds to do the job and he recieved the weather badge.  
  
"Well done," Mystic congratulated him. Dylan blushed.  
  
A man entered the gym and yelled at Mystic. "Where the hell have you been?"  
  
"I have been doing my job." She answered.  
  
"I am extremely horny and your are not doing your job which is to reduce my horniness." The man yelled again. Dylan recognized him as the partner of Mystic from last night.  
  
"I'm not in the mood." Mystic turned away.  
  
"How could you not be in the mood?"  
  
"Hey," Mystic yelled. "Just because we've done it 126 times in the last month doesn't mean I'm always in the mood." Mystic noticed the mans unsatisfied look. "Fine, I'm not in the mood because I just had sex with him," She pointed at Dylan.  
  
Dylan's eyes widened. He looked at the much stronger man in front of him. "Oh shit," he muttered. The man walked up to him, and wrapped his hand around Dylan's throat and got ready to punch him. The man collapsed on the floor. Mystic stood there holding Dylan's sledge hammer.  
  
"Let's go!" Mystic called. Dylan got his things and raced after her. When he caught up he recieved 300 death coins for winning the badge and they entered the nearest store. "Hey, buy some candy and stuff."  
  
"No, candy."  
  
"Why?" Mystic asked.  
  
"Well, candy is dandy," Dylan grabbed a bottle, "but liquor is quicker."  
  
They bought their things and headed off towards the next city. "Hey, how 'bout a little action before we get to tired?" Dylan asked.  
  
"No," Mystic replied. "I read an article this morning about STDs. Apparently, the best prevention is abstinence. I am gonna start practicing abstinence."  
  
"...DAMN IT!!!" Dylan's yell echoed for miles. 


	6. video 2

Aren't we havin' fun? I love this. I didn't get many flames, I wonder if y'all are sick of me and quit reading or you are thrown silent with anger. Anyways, you will not silence "Damn You Pikachu!!"  
  
"Dylan, mind if I open this bottle of Brandy?" Mystic asked as she sat a few feet away from Dylan.  
  
"Sure," Dylan smiled at the possibilities. "Drink all you want." Dylan opened up his laptop and inserted a DVD.  
  
"Welcome back," Professor Duke greeted in the informal video. "If you're watching this you must have earned your first badge. For earning your new badge, you are now available to buy two new weapons. Also, depending on what badge you received, you get a bonus weapon. Please type in what badge you earned."  
  
Dylan typed in -weather- and clicked enter. He looked over to see Mystic wondering around, carrying the bottle of liquor with her.  
  
The video continued. "Ah, you have the weather badge. The weather badge gives you option to buy the rubber water balloon with a stun gun attachment." Picks up a Pikachu and places it on a counter. "You simply start up the electrical current with the stun gun, then let the water flow. Don't worry, the gun is made of rubber so you won't get shocked." Fires a stream of electrified water at the pikachu, giving it quite a shock. "This isn't as effective against electric, rock, or grass pokemon but it's fun to do to others." Professor Duke finished off the pikachu with a blow to the head with a hammer.  
  
Dylan smiled at the thought of the new weapon and also noticed how Mystic had begun to get drunk and this made his smile even bigger.  
  
"Now, for the two weapons that come with your first badge include the slingshot, and the sledge hammer upgrade." Professor Duke pulled out two weapons from his pocket.  
  
"The slingshot is for those damn flying creatures that don't give you a chance to harm them without being extremely accurate when throwing a knife." Places a pikachu on top of a high shelf. "Now, the most common ammunition is a rock that is found just about anywhere." Duke takes a rock and nails the pikachu in the forehead. "See, not much damage done though. There is the ammo you can buy in any Poke-weapon maintenance center. They are made of solid lead and are highly accurate." Hits pikachu in the head again causing some blood to pour from it. "It's also more powerful. The last, but more expensive kind of ammo is the spike ball. It has many sharp spikes but two flat ones that allow you to grip it without injury." Once again with precision aim, nails the pikachu in the head and busting it open, causing the yellow pokemon to die.  
  
"Now, for the sledge-hammer upgrade. This is just a standard upgrade giving you an axe on one end and a broad flat hammer on the other. It's a two in one head at the top of the handle. Handy eh?" Takes a pikachu out and with a powerful blow cuts the pikachu in half then pounds the two pieces of it into a flat, blood soaked skin.  
  
"This concludes the segment. See you some other time. Bye."  
  
Dylan stretched out as he closed up the laptop.  
  
"Dylan, the bottle is empty." Mystic was spinning in circles.  
  
"What, you didn't give me a single drop?!" Dylan yelled in fury. "I wanted some. I bought it."  
  
"Yeah, well, whatever. What do you want me to do with the bottle?" Mystic stopped spinning and was very dizzy.  
  
"Just throw it away." Dylan noticed how drunk she was and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.  
  
Doing what Dylan said, Mystic threw the bottle away as hard as she could but it was accidentally heading in Dylan's direction. The glass shattered over his head and he fell to the ground unconscious. Mystic threw up, fell down, and went to sleep. 


	7. devil dude strikes again

This goes out to Drizzt do'urden. His love and adoration has brought me to a high level of self-esteem. And as for you AnimeFreak85, you read the title, checked the summary, and noticed the genre, yet you read it when you knew you wouldn't like it. Hey, I do this for people who have a sense of humor and enjoy a good laugh. Plus, judging by your review, you only read the first if even the first chapter. Now how do you expect to know if you like it. Now, on with "Damn you Pikachu."  
  
The morning sun rose and Dylan awakened with a throbbing pain in his forehead. He had been cut open and was very dizzy. He saw that Mystic was still sleeping off a hang over.  
  
"Hey, how'd you end up with that hot chick?" Dylan's imaginary devil friend appeared on Dylan's shoulder. "Did you get laid?"  
  
"No," Dylan muttered. "She began to practice abstinence."  
  
"Ha, I think she is just turned lesbian. You seem like the kind of person who would turn a strait woman gay."  
  
Dylan knew it was useless to attack the little bastard. "Where've you been lately."  
  
"Just recovering from a broken boner. Oh, and I will get you back for pushing me off a roof."  
  
"Oh, and just what will you do?" Dylan muttered.  
  
"Don't worry 'bout that. You'll know when it happens." The devil noticed Mystic was waking so he dissappeared.  
  
"What happened?" Mystic woke with a severe headache.  
  
"You drank all my liquor you bitch, that's what happened." Dylan walked up to her. "Then you nailed me in the head with the empty bottle."  
  
"Oh, sorry. How 'bout some rough loving to make up for it when we get to town?"  
  
"You better." Dylan smiled as he walked away. Dylan picked up his bag with Mystic standing next to him. The bottom of his bag was ripped open so when he picked it up all sorts of items poured out.  
  
Mystic began laughing extremely hard. "I guess I'll cancel that lovin' since you aren't interested." She dropped to the ground laughing uncontrollably.  
  
The bag had poured out a large number of sexual toys. All of it was used mainly by gay men. There was a vibrator, a book on different homosexual positions, and many other items. Dylan heard laughing from up in a tree. He soon noticed his little imaginary devil had pulled off his prank. Dylan swore he would find a way to kill the critter that followed him around.  
  
"Hey kid," a familiar voice whispered. "Nice merchandise. I think you should be able to join our gang."  
  
"Who are you?" Dylan called out.  
  
"To prevent all pokemon from daily pleasures..." "to hump them into a fit of seizures..." "To denounce the evils of condoms and toys..." "t extend our traditions to the youngest of boys..." "Jimmy," "Jake," "Team Rapists blasts off at the speed of light..." "Surrender now or get cum in your sight."  
  
Dylan groaned. He noticed the meowth wasn't here this time. He also noticed Jimmy was in some bushes humping a creature furiosly.  
  
Mystic walked up with the very same weapon available for purchase after winning the weather badge. It was the electrified super soaker. She electricuted them all and sent them off flying.  
  
"Looks like team Rapists has fucked up again!" 


	8. Grimer Torch Stench Fiesta

Damn You Pikachu  
  
Ch. 8 (If you noticed, like the TV show, this may just go on forever.)  
  
Dylan grumbled to himself after he walked along the road. He could see his little devil hallucination, but could hear him snickering every where he went. Dylan also didn't know what the little bastard did with all the equipment he had in his bag. Mystic seemed no longer committed to keeping her promise of abstinence. Dylan figured it was because she wanted to avoid him coming on to her.  
  
He planned on buying a slingshot as soon as he got into town. Maybe he could use that to hit the little purple devil dude. He struck up this fantasy of putting the devil dude in a bloody mess and then having a victory party full of booze and making out with Mystic.  
  
He suddenly found sight of the little devil. It was clinging onto Mystic's leg and humping it while she walked. "Doesn't that bother you?" He shouted to her.  
  
"What?"  
  
Dylan pointed to her leg.  
  
"Oh, you're right. It's been 2 days since I shaved my legs."  
  
"No, that little bastard is humping your legs!"  
  
"What in the hell are you talking about?"  
  
Dylan stared at her leg. The devil dude winked, and continued what he was doing. Dylan's mouth dropped. "How can you not see him?"  
  
"Whatever gay-wod." Mystic sighed and moved on.  
  
"Man, there's nothing like a good hump." The little devil dude now rested on Dylan's soldier. Dylan swatted at it but it was too quick for him.  
  
After a while they found an event in the middle of the woods. A contest was apparently starting up. "What's this all about Mystic?"  
  
"I don't believe it! It's the annual Grimer Stench Torch Fiesta!"  
  
"The what?" Dylan raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well, the Grimer reeks to high heaven and this contest shows who can get the biggest flame off of a Grimer, just like lighting a fart."  
  
"Uh, what is the sport in lighting a Grimer? It's just luck if you win."  
  
"No, not luck at all. You get one match, and get one hour to prepare your grimer to be the most flammable, by only means of getting it to reek more. The more it reeks, the bigger the flame."  
  
"I'll do it!" Dylan shouted out loud.  
  
**  
  
"Quiet Meowth, I don't care how much your ass hurts. We are gonna win this contest. Now get in the grimer suit." Jimmy forced the Meowth into the costume.  
  
"Now," Jake began instructing, "when we put the flame on, you release the lighter fluid. That free weapon prize is as good as ours."  
  
**  
  
Dylan stared at his grimer, cringing at the stench. "Ok. How in the hell am I supposed to get this thing to smell more?"  
  
"I don't know," Mystic whined. "I'm outta here. This stench is messing with my delicate skin." Mystic left the small tent they were in.  
  
"I know how you can make it stink more!" The little devil dude announced. Without explaining his idea, he took Dylan's sledge hammer out of his magic pocket, and smashed Dylan's skull. Dylan laid unconscious on the floor, belly down.  
  
"Okay Mr. Grimer," devil dude pulled down Dylan's pants. "Get in the asshole."  
  
The grimer refused.  
  
Devil Dude's purple face glowed red and he bellowed, "GET IN THERE OR I WILL STICK YOU UP YOUR OWN ASS AND THEN SHOVE YOU IN HIS ASSHOLE!"  
  
The grimer, struck with fear, obeyed and darted up Dylan's anus.  
  
"Now, that'll get it nice and stinky if I leave it in there till the contest." The devil dude slipped Dylan a laxative.  
  
**  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen," announcer of the stadium echoed. "Welcome to the 5 annual Grimer Torch Stench Fiesta!" The audience erupted in cheer. "We have five competitors in today's contest. We will begin with contestant #1." Dylan couldn't watch the event. He was worried about where his grimer was and he was experiencing severe abdominal pain. He couldn't take it no more. He rushed to the nearest porta-potty and got down to business. After a moment he heard an odd voice. It yelled out "Grimer!"  
  
Dylan spun around to see the muddy pokemon at the bottom of the toilet. Dylan scooped him up and rushed him back to his podium. He saw the third contestant give off a dud, and get a really low score.  
  
The fourth contestants were 2 cloaked men. They had an unusually odd looking grimer. After the initial preparations, the flame was lit on the grimer. A great blast of fire emerged, and the judges were thoroughly impressed. They received a very high score, and gave Dylan a wink. He knew who they were, but honestly, he didn't really give a "flying rat's ass."  
  
A judge simply made some small talk with Dylan and then handed a match to him. Dylan lit it, and placed it on the grimer.  
  
**  
  
Professor Duke sat outside his lab on a lawn chair, sipping whiskey when he saw it. It appeared that a nuclear bomb had landed in the distance. He smiled. "Hey man, that was cool." Professor Duke looked to the man sitting next to him.  
  
"Yeah, totally bodacious." The Poke-death gym leader Brian hit a bong, and then handed it to Prof. Duke.  
  
"Oh so very cool." Jon, the Porno poke-death gym leader, watched too. Duke handed the bong to him.  
  
**  
  
Dylan walked out of the rubble of the stadium, nearly burnt to a crisp, and carrying a lifeless Mystic in his arms. "Why God, why? It'll be weeks before she gets her hair grown back, and I'll never hear the end of it."  
  
The devil dude appeared. "Damn, my idea for the contest was brilliant." The devil dude fell over laughing and put down his guard, and that's when Dylan kicked him into the distance. 


	9. Weapon Shop

Damn you Pikachu  
  
Ch. 9  
  
(I'm sure that by now you all love me and have the highest opinion of me.)  
  
**  
  
Dylan walked into the Canteen Town Poke-death weapon maintenance shop. He looked to see the huge supply of weaponry for sell, which unfortunately he couldn't get. He wanted one weapon, the slingshot. He was now allowed to buy one to hunt with. He found 3 different types of slingshot on the wall to his right. One was very basic. Made of wood and a long rubber band, and it was in the classic Y shape. This was only 75 death tokens. The next one was made of metal, and had a rod that rested upon the arm and allowed extra leverage and accuracy. This was 180 death tokens. The last one was similar to the previous, but could allow it to stay ready to fire in an instant by loading it in the rubber band and holding it stretched out. It also had a sight on it to improve accuracy. This was 325 tokens. The ammo was 2 for a token on the lead balls and the spike balls were 2 tokens apiece. Dylan didn't bother with the ammo, figuring he could find some good rocks. He chose the slingshot for 180 tokens and walked up to the counter.  
  
"Hi, I'm Weapon Expert Jill." She greeted them. "How can I help you?"  
  
Dylan stared for a moment, since Jill was quite beautiful. She had light red hair and was very slim with slightly pale skin.  
  
"Ahem," Jill cleared her throat on purpose.  
  
Dylan snapped out of his gaze. "Oh, I just want to buy this slingshot." He looked down at the display case as nurse Joy did a price check on it. There was a good selection of sledgehammer heads and specialty knives.  
  
"That'll be 180 tokens please, and a badge approval." Dylan handed his weather badge to Jill. "One minute."  
  
Dylan gazed around the rest of the store. Behind the counter there was a load of guns. All shotgun or pump rifles. No automatics were legal in Pokemon hunting. He noticed something odd. The devil dude was messing with a shotgun. Dylan raised an eyebrow. "It wouldn't be loaded, would it?" He thought to himself. The little purple devil reached into his pocket and pulled out a shell. He loaded the gun. Jill made a sudden movement and he disappeared, allowing the gun to fall. It hit the display case and fired.  
  
"Damn!" Dylan screamed out loud. The bullet grazed his shoulder. "That hurt."  
  
"Are you okay?" Jill asked him.  
  
"No, I was just shot."  
  
All of a sudden a woman in a green camouflage uniform walked in. "What's going on?"  
  
"Oh, just a little accident Game Warden Jackie." Jill informed.  
  
Dylan forgot about his wound and stared at the hot woman standing in the doorway. She had black hair and had a little bit more muscle tone than Jill.  
  
"Well, I see you have everything taken care of. I'll see you later." Jackie left the store.  
  
"I'm sorry." Jill apologized. "Since I accidentally had a gun loaded you get a free sledge hammer upgrade with your purchase." Jill accepted his old sledge and she took it to the back. "Okay, you can come and get it tomorrow morning."  
  
Dylan purchased the slingshot and left.  
  
"You owe me now." The little devil dude showed up, and walked next to Dylan.  
  
"What are ya talking about? You shot me you little bastard."  
  
"I got you a new weapon, didn't I?" The devil pointed out.  
  
"Yeah but you shot me. Do you know what it feels like to be shot?"  
  
"I've been shot 493 times in my life. Besides, that's just a flesh wound. Quit whining you pussy." 


	10. Round 1

Damn You Pikachu  
  
Ch. 10  
  
I apologize for the last chapter, which was not very hysterical. That's why a bring you this insane chapter, which involves the death of many pikachu's, everyone's favorite dead pokemon.  
  
  
  
Dylan awoke on the floor of the motel he stayed in for the night from a serious of kicks from Mystic. Mystic kicked him out of the bed and the only chair in the room was uncomfortable, so he slept on the floor for the night. "Woman, what the hell do you want?"  
  
"Wake up, we're gonna miss the show!"  
  
"What show?"  
  
Mystic glared at him with a look as if to say "you really should know this" and she kicked him again. "It's the Final round of the Pikachu killer festival. There are only 4 contestants left, and this town is hosting the final round."  
  
"Oh yeah," Dylan replied, even though he didn't actually know of such an event. "Ok. Let's go."  
  
They moved to a gathering in the town square that had a huge banner, showing the contest.  
  
The announcer of the event was in the center of a small blocked of area, calling out the introductions. "Our first contestant, is a rising young star in the killing field. For his age class he has killed more pokemon than any other. Here is Logan Blow-demall-up!" The crowd boomed with applaud, and Logan did an exaggerated bow. Dylan's jaw dropped, and it took almost all his will power not to piss himself. Logan had made it up to the top ranked four of the Pikachu killers, and Dylan only had one measly little badge to show for his efforts.  
  
"Our next competitor, a strong veteran to the game, goes by the name.Mister Beater!" The cloud applauded, and giggled a little. Our third competitor, a crafty woman of this town, Iona Staff!" The crowd gave another loud applause. Dylan looked at the woman. She was short and a little pudgy. He thought the name was perfect for her.  
  
"Our last competitor, the top ranked pikachu killer in all the land, Professor Duke!" Professor Duke got the biggest applause. Dylan wasn't worried about the fact that Prof. Duke was there, it was that the Devil Dude was on his shoulder whispering into Duke's ear, and Duke was snickering to himself.  
  
The announcer continued. "Our first round to eliminate one of our competitors is the sporting event kill. First up is Logan Blow-demall-up!"  
  
Logan reached deep into his magic pocket. He pulled out shotgun, and some sort of launcher. An assistant set the a pikachu on the launcher. Logan aligned himself up where the launcher was aimed. "Pull." Logan yelled out. The pikachu launched into the air, and flew into the distance. Logan waited a few seconds, then fired. The pikachu greatly changed course in mid air, then fell lifelessly to the earth. A team of investigators set out after the corpse, only to see if the pikachu had been killed. They radioed back to the judges, and gave a brief description of the corpse. The judges made their decision. Logan got a 5.5 out of 8 possible. He got a depletion of his score due to the fact of little suffering the pikachu had.  
  
Next up was Mr. Beater. He pulled nothing but a stand for a football, which is used for place kicking. He pointed to a couple of trees forty yards away, calling his shot. Mr. Beater placed the pikachu, then kicked it as hard as he could. The pikachu screamed as it sailed between the goal. The team set off after the pikachu, and called in a disqualification. Pikachu had not died. Iona Staff and Duke made it to the next round, but for the sake of the show, they decided to complete the round.  
  
Iona pulled out a bowling ball from her magic pocket. A tied up pikachu was placed as a head pin in the make-shift lane created, when all the other pins were actually wooden rods with spikes and blades sticking out all over. She threw the fifteen pound bowling ball and it slammed into the pikachu, sending the pokemon flying and all the pins flying too. One fan caught a severed pikachu arm, and screamed in joy like a maniac. The fans gave a huge applaud for this kill, and the judges awarded a 7.5.  
  
Next was Prof. Duke. He took a pikachu, and dug a whole, and planted the pikachu's lower body there. Confident the pikachu wasn't going anywhere, duke pulled a golf clup out of his magic pocket. It was a driver (that's the 1 wood for all you idiots who don't know a damn thing about golf) with a slight modification. The bottom of the club head had a razor protruding. Duke got a firm set, and took a mighty swing. The pikachu's head quickly severed and launched an incredible 320 yards. The crew didn't even bother to chase it. It was a no suffering kill, like Logan's but what impressed the judges is that the lower body was still moving and twitching. Duke received a 7.0 for this kill.  
  
"Okay folks, that's the end of this round. Come back tommarow for round 2!" The announcer called out.  
  
Ok, that's all for this chapter. 


	11. Round 2

Damn You Pikachu  
  
Ch. 11  
Dylan hurried up to Professor Duke, who still had devil dude sitting on his shoulder. "You can see him? You can see the little purple devil?"  
  
Duke looks at Dylan. "What in the hell are you talking about?"  
  
Duke walked away, leaving Dylan wide eyed as they devil smiled and stuck his tongue out.  
  
Mystic walked up to Duke and congratulated him. The little devil dude hopped off of Duke's shoulder and once again began humping Mystic's leg. She didn't notice. After the devil dude was done, he walked up to Dylan and jumped up on his shoulder. "What ya up to dick shit."  
  
Dylan glared at the little devil. "Why were you talking to Prof. Duke? He can't hear you."  
  
"He can't hear me, but the voices in his head are really good guys. I've gotten to know them all well. He can hear the voices in his head, and they usually talk to him."  
  
"So he is crazy."  
  
"No, he just puts things in perspective."  
  
To a building to Dylan's left, Logan emerged celebrating with a bottle of whiskey in his as everyone in the building cheered him on as he left. Dylan rushed at the door, trying to make it inside for the party, and the door gets slammed before he reaches it and he crushes his face in the door, and falls unconscious.  
  
**  
  
Dylan wakes up in his hotel room, alone. He walks outside to see the people stirring, getting ready to watch the next round. The door to the room next to him opened, and Duke and Mystic came out, making out with each other as they walked. Duke released her and walked over to the arena.  
  
Dylan stared at Mystic. "Dude! He is like 30 years older than you!"  
  
Mystic glared at Dylan. "I'm 21 years old. I can do what I want. And he isn't 30 years older than me, he's only 20 years older." She turned her shoulder and walked towards the arena, and Dylan followed.  
  
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen." The announcer called out. "Today is the second round of the Pikachu Killing Finals!"  
  
The entire crowd cheered madly.  
  
"Today's topic: The Art of Death! And we all now that cooking is an art, so Logan Blow-demall- up is gonna show us how to make a quick Pikachu smoothie and a snack to go with!"  
  
The crowd cheered louder as Logan stood up to a small table. He first placed a pikachu, tied appropriately, on the table. The crowd cheered as Logan pulled out of his magic pocket a blender and a lot of big knives. He placed the pikachu in the blender, and turned it on only briefly, and the pikachu had become severed just below its midsection. Logan pulled out the pikachu, and then poured the left over Pika-puree on a deep platter. Using precise skill, he then removed the pikachu's spine with a large knife, and left it intact with the head. The spine took with it all internal organs, intact, so the Pikachu was still alive. He placed the removed meat on the bladder, and used a blowtorch to ignite the fur. He put the rest of the living Pikachu in the Blender and hit "frapee." All the bone and organs broke down into a smooth liquid. He then added some apple juice and a spearmint leaf, mixed them, and then set up a glass of it next to his plate. He then sat down, and began to eat.  
  
The judges gave him a 7.0, giving him a total of 12.5 so far.  
  
Next came Duke, who was in second, and had a modified airbrush. At the air compressor of the brush, he had a pikachu stuck in a tube, and the tube had a razor sharp fan at the end of it. The pikachu was slowly fed into the fan, and diced up in a painful, long lasting death. Duke made an airbrush painting of Mystic, and received a 6.5 from the judges, giving him a total of 13.5.  
  
Iona Staff's was simple, and received a low score. She put on some high- heeled tap shoes and tap danced on top of a pikachu. Her performance was poor and the Pikachu died quickly. She received a 6.0 and brought her a total of 13.5, placing her in the next round, and knocking off Logan. 


	12. Final Round

Damn you Pikachu  
  
Ch. 12  
  
(I am getting more approval and hatred, why would I stop now?)  
  
"Welcome to the Final Round of the Pikachu Killing Tournament!" The announcer called to the crowd. It seemed the crowd had doubled in size from the previous round. Even the little Devil Dude stopped embarrassing Dylan to watch. "Iona Staff will be competing first since she is challenger to the title. The score is tied so this will be sudden death." The crowd erupted in delight at the sound of the word death.  
  
Iona Staff walked up to the center stage, and readied herself for the task in the final round: Trick Killing. She stood next to a long rack, loaded with razor sharp blades, and held a pikachu in her left hand, which was encased in a rubber glove. Not a single blade had a handle, and all were pointed like a spearhead.  
  
Iona tossed the pikachu immensely high into the sky. She grabbed a blade and thrusted it up, slicing directly through the pikachu's abdomen, and the force knocking the pikachu up even higher. She did this repeatedly, keeping the pikachu in the air. At last, as the pikachu wailed nonstop in pain, she grabbed the last five blades and tossed them up, all missing the pikachu. Iona caught the pikachu on a wooden board. The first four blades came back down, each one implanting themselves in a limb of Pikachu, then the final blade landed directly in Pikachu's heart, killing him and cutting off his desperate, high pitched screams.  
  
The judges gave her a score of 7.5.  
  
Duke walked into the center stage looking very confident. He pulled out of his magic pocket a rawhide whip. A pikachu was standing unrestrained 10 feet away from him. The pikachu began running, but Duke snapped the whip and caught the pikachu, wrapping the end around it. Duke now pulled out of his magic pocket an artist's canvas, and set it up. Duke snapped the whip again and the pikachu shot up in the air, and with another snap, the tail end of the whip hit pikachu directly in the eye. The eye stuck to the end of the whip, and duke brought the eye back with the whip and slapped it onto the canvas, using the whip. He did this again with the other eye, and then both ears. He even managed to rip off the two pink spots on pikachu's face and plant them on the canvas. Then came the nose and whiskers, thus finally the lips, creating a smiley face on the canvas, and a bleeding pikachu on the ground. Duke wrapped the whip around the pikachu's neck, and with an amazing technique, he ripped out the pikachu's vertebrae.  
  
The judges gave a perfect 8 and Duke became the reigning champion, once again.  
Dylan rushed his way over to Duke's hotel room, once again late for the party. He made it inside, and the party was still in full form. He grabbed a bottle of champagne, only to have it knocked out of his hand by the Devil Dude. Dylan tried again but had the same result. This continued for hours until the night was finished, and Duke kicked everybody out but Mystic. 


	13. Dylan Becomes a Hero

Damn You Pikachu  
  
Chapter 13  
  
Dylan woke up in his room to an out roar from the townspeople outside. Dylan raced outside in the clothes he slept in and saw what the problem was. The left over Pikachus from the tournament were being stolen. Dylan instantly saw the Team Rapist uniforms.  
  
"This will be an exhilirating experience with a shock!" Jimmy called out!  
  
"Yes indeed!" Jake replied.  
  
"You two just make sure I get them first. No sloppy seconds for me!" an unfamiliar woman member yelled at them. "Electric pokemon are the only things that can get me off!"  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you guys?" Dylan yelled up at them.  
  
"We're simply getting a buzz in our tender areas," the woman replied.  
  
"Who in the hell are you?" Dylan now pulled out his sledge hammer from his magic pocket.  
  
"I am the new leader of Team Rapist, Seniora Kinsel." Kinsel then stuck a pikachu down her tight leather pants, and the pikachu went nuts with a huge ball of electricity. Kinsel moaned in pleasure.  
  
Dylan charged and hit her in the crotch area with his hammer, putting the pikachu out of its misery. Kinsel fell onto her back, and Dylan pulled out his knife from his pocket and stabbed her in the neck, cutting into a portion of her throat. Kinsel was now on her knees bent over like a dog, and Dylan reared back with his sledge, then swung as hard as he could. He hit her posterior and the force jammed her spinal cord into her brain, and the brain forced her eyeballs to launch out of there sockets, and they rolled off about 12 feet away.  
  
Then Dylan realized she wasn't quite finished. Her spine was sticking out the wound in her throat, but she miraculously managed to stand up. Dylan then spun around with the axe part of the sledge hammer and tossed it like a hammer throw. The blade part jammed into her neck, and she collapsed again, but Dylan realized she still hadn't died. "What the hell do I have to do Bitch! Put you through a wood chipper?" Dylan yelled at her. That's when he saw it. The local compost depository. The wood chipper was convienently out in front. Dylan removed the axe/mallet from her neck, then dragged her as she kicked and tried to scream as much as she could. Dylan showed more strength than he ever thought he had. He hoisted her into the wood chipper and turned it on.  
  
The townspeople cheered as the sickening sounds of shredding flesh or bones. A woman in a green uniform ran up to him. Dylan recognized her as Game Warden Jackie. A drop of sweat rolled down his forehead.  
  
"Dylan Kill'em?"  
  
"Yes ma'am?" Dylan looked down at his feet.  
  
"I would like to congratulate you on deriving these criminals of the poke- death world. For your acts of heroism, I commend you an honorary killing license upgrade, allowing you to use firearms such as revolvers and shotguns. Plus, I give you this .357 magnum as a token of our appreciation."  
  
Dylan recieved the large revolver, and then looked over to his left to see Jimmy and Jake arrested and being forced into a police car. "I accept." Dylan said aloud. The crowd cheered.  
  
Mystic walked up to him as the crowd gradually departed. "So, you're not such a wussy faggot after all. You're a tough little faggot."  
  
Dylan didn't care about the remark. He kept staring at the brand new, shiny .357 Colt Magnum. Dylan slowly walked back to his room, cradling the gun, and sat down on the couch. He lifted his head from the gun when he heard clapping.  
  
"Bravo, bravo." The little devil dude chanted. "I can see I've taught you well. I believe my work with you is done."  
  
"You're leaving?" Dylan asked the little torture king.  
  
"Yes, you have proven to me that I've trained you to the point where you aren't a pussy anymore." The little Devil Dude put on a top hat and grabbed a small suitcase.  
  
Dylan asked him one more thing at the door. "Where will you go?"  
  
"Oh, one of the voices inside Duke's head hooked me up with this really hot devil chick. I'm gonna go have me some fun." The Devil left singing the tune "I like big butts and I cannot lie..."  
  
Dylan opened the chamber to the magnum, and realized his next goal. To beat the town's gym and earn some money to buy ammo. 


End file.
